It doesn’t seem like long ago that I was writing with excitement about taking up a role on the SLA Board of Directors. Today, I’m writing with regret about stepping down.
It doesn’t seem long ago because it isn’t, really. I’ve served two years of a three year term, and stepping down a year early sticks in my throat and hurts and feels an awful lot like failure.
But it also feels like a new beginning, because it is. I’m pregnant, and we’re expecting our second child in the spring. I’m extremely excited and unbearably nervous: a baby took up all my time and effort, and a toddler takes up all my time and effort, so what on earth are you supposed to do with a baby and toddler at once?
Cope, of course. Because coping is what we do. But there comes a point when you have to admit that you can’t cope with everything, not all at once, and – what’s even harder – admit to yourself that there is no shame in this.
I haven’t quite got the hang of that second bit, yet. Because I am still ashamed. I know that I have made the right decision, to step down from the SLA Board. Those of you in SLA will know that it’s a challenging time for the association, full of great change, and a time when they particularly need leaders who can give their full and best effort and attention to SLA. I won’t be able to.
I could cope. I could stay on and do the minimum. I could put aside time for Board calls and delegate bedtimes and then get called away and have to go, because when your baby has vomited more milk than you realised could fit in their stomach all over themselves and their cot and is now cold, wet, and hungry again, you don’t wait until someone proposes an adjournment. I could agree to take on the extra work of leading implementation teams and taskforces, with the best of intentions. I could put undue pressure on my Board and association colleagues when they have to pick up the slack, because I can’t do it all.
And SLA doesn’t need me, specifically. No-one is going to cry themselves rigid because I’m not on a conference call, or run towards me at conference shouting ‘Bethan! Beeeettthhaaann!’ and then cling to my leg and refuse to let go. SLA needs good people, and it has them, on its Board and its staff and in its membership. I have every confidence that Karen Reczek (who will take up the empty Board seat in January) will serve SLA at least as well as I could have, and very probably much better.
But it’s not just about the pull between parenthood and professional involvement. I am absolutely not saying ‘I have kids, so I can’t do this.’ It’s about things that happen in your life, and knowing that when some things come in, other things have to be let go. It’s certainly not unique to having children: your life can be equally changed by illness, grief, by caring for others or yourself, by moving house or falling in love. Things happen. Things change. And you have to change with them or you risk falling apart.
While my priorities have changed, it’s not that I don’t care anymore, but my time is full, and, more importantly, my brain is full. I work on four services/projects at work now, and I have multiple SLA responsibilites, and a CILIP Chartership mentee, and family and friends and a home and a half-written probably-abandoned nanowrimoproject and so many books to read and… I care about all of these things. They all enrich my life. I want to do them all. But I can’t. I’m already finding that I’m making mistakes, underperforming not just for SLA but at work and at home. They may not be big omissions or errors (I forgot to put the bins out this week), but they’re there, and they matter. An email I forgot to send has hurt someone, and that failure is going to stay with me for a long time.
[Please don’t think that I’m putting all of this down to SLA vs Life. I have a list of ‘things that I cannot possibly do all of and stay sane’. It includes (but is absolutely not limited to):
- Be brilliant at my job
- Be an amazing mother
- Cook delicious and healthy food
- Keep a beautifully clean and tidy house
- Be top of my fitbit friends league chart
- Be professionally involved and up-to-date with everything in the library, archive & HE sectors
- Learn to do something really cool, like crafting maybe? Or become an expert in something interesting to talk to people about at parties. That I don’t go to. But I’d be really fascinating if I did.
Most days? I don’t even manage one of these.]
So if stepping down is the right thing to do, why the guilt? Why the shame? Because, of course, I feel like I should be able to do it all. I feel – don’t laugh, please – that I’m letting feminism down by stepping back from a professional post because of domestic concerns. I compare myself with people who I know are hugely overworked, and who I tell that they should do less and take breaks because they need time for self-care if they’re not going to burn out – and I think ‘but they can do it, so I should be able to!’. I compare myself to Victorian working-class women, the kind of people you find in Elizabeth Gaskell’s novels – you know, 12 hours in the factory then home to look after seven kids, one of them a cripple, while making beautiful lace to sell and teaching themselves natural history. I am fully aware of what a ridiculous person this makes me.
Of course, that isn’t all of it. There’s the fear of laziness, too. The voice that tells me that I should be working all the time, that time spent on things for my recreation and relaxation is wasted, unjustifiably self-indulgent. Pregnancy actually makes this one a bit easier (‘but baby needs me to sit on the settee with a stack of biscuits and a Margery Allingham!’), but although I do my best to remind myself that my physical and mental heal and weal are not luxuries, it’s a constant battle to make it stick. I am trying to teach myself this: you do not have to come last.
And: you do not have to be defined by your duties. And: do not be ashamed of joy, of seeking it and making the most of it.
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November 17, 2015 at 1:32 pm
jwo79
Bethan,
I have a lot I’d like to say (and will probably end up saying it in a ludicrous stream of consciousness) but essentially, THIS:
1. You do not have to justify yourself to anyone (especially those who write patronising guff without understanding anything about anything*)
2. You should not have to justify your decisions to yourself (although aren’t we always our hardest critics?)
Frankly, it’s hard enough. The juggling, the feeling that you’re being pulled in fifteen different directions at once, you’re busking through it all and generally making a hash of all of it (you’re really not, by the way.) As my library assistant says to me at least once a month: you need to be kind to yourself. As you’ve recognised, there’s nothing wrong with focusing on other things for a bit.
I’m a little further down the parenting track than you – my two are going to be 8 (EIGHT!!) in a couple of weeks – and as they’ve got older I have found that there is a bit more time to do stuff for yourself without feeling like the WORST PARENT EVER (I like to call it ‘Daily Mail sidebar of shame guilt’.) Some of the things I abandoned when they were smaller have been resumed again. Other things I have been happy to consign to the ‘Nah, not interested any more’ pile. I’ve found that a distinct lack of time really focuses the mind on what matters to you and what ultimately doesn’t.
SLA will miss your presence, energy, commitment and innovation. I’m sure of that. However, SLA will still exist when your toddler becomes a school-aged child and your baby is at preschool and – if you want to – I’m sure they will welcome you back if you want to get involved again. Of course, it’s absolutely fine if you decide that you want to take up knitting/marathon running/basket weaving/interpretative dance instead…
Good luck with the new baby and with being a mum of two. It really is quite the ride…
Jo (@JoWood79)
*I KNOW.
November 17, 2015 at 3:06 pm
bethan
You’re right, this was mainly about me justifying myself to, well, me (though I do think that SLA deserves some kind of explanation about why I’ve not fulfilled my term). None of us likes to admit that we can’t do everything, and I think it’s really helpful to have reminders from people that it happens to everyone, and it really is ok. You’ve always been particularly sensible about the work/life balance, and give very good advice!
My life is FULL of sidebar of shame moments! And I expect there to be many more to come. It’s an excellent analogy, and a reminder that the people who think like that are really the people whose approval you wouldn’t want, anyway 😉
Also, eight?? How did they get so big so quickly? Congratulations on making it this far so adroitly!
November 17, 2015 at 2:03 pm
Marie
A huge congratulations Bethan! And thank you for writing about how you came to such a difficult decision, I know how hard that must have been. You have done so much for SLA, and I am sure the board of directors are so grateful for what you have accomplished in the last 2 years! Wish you all the best x
November 17, 2015 at 3:08 pm
bethan
Thanks Marie! It’s been amazing working with the Board and all the other SLA groups I’ve been involved with, and I’m so grateful to have had the chance to work with such brilliant people 🙂
November 24, 2015 at 12:45 pm
Megan Dyson
Thanks for sharing this! I identify and I’m sure many others do. This reminded me of something I read somewhere that if a programme/service/whatever stops because the one person running it stepped back, then it probably did not need to be run in the first place.
November 24, 2015 at 3:37 pm
bethan
That’s a very good point, thanks Megan!
December 1, 2015 at 9:44 pm
President’s December Message | SLA San Francisco Bay Region Chapter
[…] Association Directors is stepping back while she works on some life projects. She wrote a really nice blog post about the whole situation. I hope you will read it and take to heart that YOU are one of the good […]